Alchemy, Officers, and Contests
by Reijou
Summary: [COMPLETE]Random stories off the top of my head. Ep. 30: Includes Havoc letting the group know what he's really obsessed with...
1. A Colonel, His Subordinates, and a BoN

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so.

**WARNING**: Havoc may show a bit of OOCness in this chapter.

**Episode ONE**

**The Colonel, His Subordinates, and a Bowl of Noodles**

The office had been silent. _Too silent_. Everyone had been working._ Too working_. A stack of papers fell to the ground. _Too papers_. -SLAP- (if you've seen all of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, you would get it) Havoc ruffled his hair and stood up from his desk, about ready to go mad from boredom. He picked up the papers and Roy looked up from his files.

"There a problem, Havoc?" he asked.

"Yes, there's a problem!" Havoc answered, and everyonethought the problem was Havoc (and his OOCness). "we've been working nonstop for four days! The only time we got up to leave was to get coffee!"

"Hm, the Lieutenant has a point there, Colonel," Hawkeye said. "it's bad for anyone's health to keep working on reports for days, even if they want to do it."

"You're right. . ." Roy nodded to himself. "maybe we should" he was interrupted by the ringing of the phone. He picked it up. "Colonel Mustang speaking." there was a bit of a silence, and all the officers could hear was the muffled sounds of the person in the phone, and Roy going 'Mm-hm.' He finally hung up.

"What about it, Sir?" Breda asked.

"There has been a murder down at the restaurant a few blocks away. We have to investigate." the colonel answered. Havoc leapt up, and raced out the door, cheering and yelling like Tarzan.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"For the love of God, Havoc, no!" Roy yelled. The car broke down, so he and his subordinates had to walk there.

"I think we're lost." Havoc said. The group looked around the place they were at: the ground was nothing but sand, the air was hot, and several vultures flew above, circling the officers. "you have a bad sense of direction, Colonel."

"Shut up."

The group arrived at the scene of the crime, a restaurant that was actually down the road from headquarters.

"This is the culprit." an officer stood by the stool covered in a black cloth. He took it down, and everyone gasped.

"A bowl of noodles?" Roy asked.

"The victim was eating this, and choked on a noodle, and apparently died. We will be judging it at court this evening. I want you and your men to keep watch and make sure it doesn't get away."

Roy and his officers stood in a room with the bowl of noodles on a table.

"This is stupid. Who is stupid enough to choke on a noodle?" Havoc asked. He leaned on a chair.

"-cough-Probably-cough-you-cough-" Hawkeye coughed. "but whoever it is, I sure feel sorry for the guy."

"Doesn't Fullmetal like noodles?" Fury asked. Everyone blinked.

"He's on a mission at Lior, isn't he?" Falman said. The group nodded.

"Besides, he's smart enough not to choke on a noodle," Roy said. "I think."

A few minutes passed with silence, and Havoc fell asleep, his head fell to the table with a loud bang. The noodles lightly shook.

A few hours later, a guard walked in.

"We shall be taking it to court." he said.

At the court, the judge was talking.

"For the 'murder' of an innocent victim, I sentence thee to execution!" the man pounded his desk, and the people started talking. In ran a young familiar blond boy.

"So I can finish the noodles?" he asked. The judge nodded, and the boy gobbled up what was in the bowl.

"Finish?" Hawkeye asked.

"Is that Fullmetal?" Fury blinked.

"He's the murdered victim?" Breda asked.

"ZOMBIE!" Havoc screamed.

_Yep. It is strange. I'm too hyper to be sane. Review. I'm gonna go eat some sugar. And stare at Roy all day. I have over. . .a lot of pictures of him on my desktop. . ._


	2. When Edward Attacks

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so.

**Note: **Thanks for the Reviews! Note to Genkai-Chan: Hey! Did you know I looked like a chibi Roy as a baby? Really! SO HE'S MINE! -both cat fight- lol, jus' jokin' (about the cat fight part, anyway)

**Episode TWO**

**When Edward Attacks**

Yes, we all know Edward is just. . .disgusted by milk. Besides it's horrible taste, is there another reason why he detests the drink?

Ah, it was just a normal day at HQ. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the gun was banging, the birds weren't chirping anymore, and Roy was giggling his little head off when a plan suddenly came to mind. (Smeagol voice) Yeesss. . .a plan. . .a great plaaan. . .

Edward walked down the hallway, whistling like it was a normal day like the others. Fury was suddenly shoved out in front of the young alchemist with a small jar.

"I. . .uh. . .hello, Mr. . .uh. . .Elric! I was. . .uh. . .wondering if. . .uh. . .you know. . .you could. . .uh. . .try out my new experiment drink. . .uh. . .yeah!" the young man stuttered. Feeling like it was a day like no other, Edward put on a wide grin.

"Sure! Why not?" he took the jar and chugged it all down. Fury was dragged out of the hallway, and the teen's eyes widened once he had finished drinking.

"Mu-milk?" he gasped. He fell to his knees, still in shock. The military watched from the sidelines, wondering what was going to happen. He suddenly started snickering, and looked around. Alphonse watched from the entrance of headquarters, sadly shaking his head, hoping that it would not be so bad. But what?

Hughes hummed to himself as he strolled down the hallway to the cafeteria. He heard quick footsteps behind him, and quickly turned around. No one. He continued walking, and heard the footsteps again, and turned around. Still no one. He turned around to the direction he was walking, and in the flash of a light, a certain blond haried teenager fell from the ceiling, yelling the war cry of an Indian.

Roy studied Hughes, who was sitting down on his couch in his office, and was shaking in fear and covered in bandages.

"A-and it came and attacked me from...from whatever the direction up is!" the lieutenant colonel explained. His eyes jolted from one direction to the other, ready to run away screaming if someone attacked him. Roy leaned back in his chair, with a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Hmm. . ." was all he said.

News of the attack had spread all over the military, including three more attacks. Every officer carried a gun whenever they walked through the now dangerous hallways. They had to travel in groups. The plan still didn't work. Something had to be done.

Soldiers rushed into the colonel's office, complaining about the same thing.

_Something has to be done_!-

_I'll forget about you ever stealing my girlfriend_!-

_If we lose more men, we won't be ready for an attack from the enemy_!-

It was funny. Out of all the officers, they came to Roy for help. He sighed and stood up from his desk with a smirk.

Roy put on his motorcycle goggles, armed with three of Riza's pistols, and a fake sword. He put on one of those hat thingies that resembled Fletcher's and put spare gloves in his pockets. The hunt was on.

The man marched down the hallway, holding a gun in each hand. He looked around for anything suspicious. It was quiet. Too quiet. There was that sudden Indian war cry and Roy quickly looked up and backed away. Edward fell from the ceiling and then onto all fours. He had a strange and scary look in his eyes, and a whacky smirk.

"Hello, Fullmetal." Roy said, aiming a gun at the teenager. He pulled the trigger, and out sprayed a fountain of water. Edward quickly dodged and began to walk towards the older man, snickering. Roy took out both guns, and aimed them at the boy, spraying the water all over. Finally, Edward got hit, and he coughed and gagged.

"I hate milk!" he growled.

_Heh, it was short! Not like Ed though, he's not short, everyone else is simply too tall, so Ed LOOKS short to them. Review, and tell me what ya think!_


	3. Breda Babysits

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so.

_**Note: **Yeah, I bet you're all wondering how I update so quickly. Well, let's say that right now, I have up to Chapter seven for these random stories typed. Yep. Thanks for the reviews! -blows a kiss- Love ya all! (in the not so sick way, lol)_

**Episode THREE**

**Breda Babysits**

Hughes barged into Roy's office, where all of the colonel's subordinates looked up all at the same time. The raven haired man himself kept reading a report. Hughes' eyes darted from left to right, from one officer to the next. Each one (with the exception of Hawkeye) tensed a bit, hoping he was not going to do what they that he was gonna do.

"Is there anyone here who can babysit Elicia tonight?" Hughes asked suddenly. No one said a word. "anyone?" he looked over to Fury.

"I-ah-I can't! I have to write a letter tohome!" the young man answered. Hughes looked over to Hawkeye.

"I have to watch Black Hayate."

"Me? I doubt I would be able to babysit. . .considering how old I have become. . ." (Falman) Each officer managed to make up an excuse not to babysit Elicia (although, Hawkeye's was true). The only ones who didn't speak were Breda and Roy.

"Roy? How about you? You seem to not be busy tonight." Hughes said.

"Aww. . .but then Breda wouldn't be able to meet your _beautiful_ daughter, and be able to spend some time with her!" the colonel whined. Breda quickly brought up his hands in protest, but before he could do anything about it, he was grabbed and dragged out the door.

"You'll love Elicia! She is just the cutest thing you'll ever meet! And just the other day, she-" Hughes rambled on and on, while Breda struggled to get free from the lieutenant colonel's strong grasp.

"she has to be in bed by seven and we'll be home by ten." Hughes finally finished. You know, he never stopped to take a breath from talking since they had left the office. The door finally closed, and Breda was left in the living room with little Elicia running around and squealing. The man groaned and sat on the couch with a loud 'plop.'

"Heeeeeeyyyy!" Elicia said. Breda looked at her. "you're supposed to be playing a game with me!" The older man rolled his eyes, and then he had an idea.

"I know a GREAT game we could play! It's called 'Hide and Seek.' You hide, and I'll look for you!" Breda answered.

"Okay!" The girl ran off making airplane noises. The man jut sat there on the couch, looking for through a book.

About, oh, three hours later, there was a loud scream, and Elicia came running towards Breda, crying. She jumped on the couch and hid under one of the quilts, still wailing.

"Uh, what's up. . .er. . .wrong?" the officer asked.

"IT'S THE BOOGEY MAN! I SAW HIM UNDER MY BED!" Elicia yelled. She got up and grabbed Breda's hand. "KILL 'IM! KILL 'IM!" she began dragging him to her room.

Once in her room, she pointed under her bed.

"THE BOOGEY MAN!" she screamed in a scary tone. "HE'S IN THERE!" Breda sighed and walked over and looked under her bed. He saw some sort of dark figure, and it crawled slowly. Suddenly the light went out, and Elicia started crying again. This freaked the older man out, because the last thing he saw was something crawling under her bed, so he started screaming. They both ran out of the room and hid under a quilt on the couch.

They spent the rest of the night in fear.

"We're home!" Hughes called as he entered the house with his wife. Elicia perked up, and she jumped from the couch, and ran over to her father.

"IT'S THE BOOGEY MAN!" she cried. Breda hid under the quilt, nodding in agreement. Hughes raised an eyebrow, and the girl led him to her room. She pointed under her bed. Hughes went and looked, and reached under the bed. He grabbed the creature, and took out a blue party dress. A mouse scurried across the floor.

"Here's your Boogie Man! Your ' 'ol Boogie Dress!" Hughes laughed.

"YAY! Boogie Man is gone!" Elicia cheered. Breda twitched in embarrassment, and they let him go home.

At Breda's home, he got into his pajamas, and hopped into bed. He turned off the light, and almost fell asleep when he heard something under his bed. He quickly turned on the light and looked. A pale face stared at him.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S THE BOOGEY MAN!"

Later, as it turned out, Breda forced Havoc to go look, and the Boogie Man turned out to be a Halloween Mask, and the noise under his bed was just some stuff falling when Breda jumped into bed. Even so, the man is still keeping the thought that the Boogie Man was real.

_Heh heh, I have no clue where on earth I got that Boogie Man idea, but I know it was never from the movie (I never saw it). So, tell me what you think and review! (walks away) I'm. . .too hyper to be sane. . .to hyper to be sane. . .uh huh._


	4. Riza's Pie

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so.

**Note**: Thank you for the reviews!

**To Genkai-Chan**: THE WAR IS ON! -takes out machine gun and shoots down all the walls- Whoopsie... (go to the end to see what happens next)

**PAIRING OF THIS CHAPTER**: RizaxRoy Yeah, you heard me right.

**Episode FOUR**

**Riza's Pie**

There was a time when someone would feel like doing something normal for a few hours. Riza wasn't any different. Although, this time, it was for revenge.

_(what had happened)_

_Riza strolled down the hallway to the colonel's office. She was greeted by several officers and sorts,and walked up to Roy's door._

_-"Oh Mustang-Taisa, you're so good looking. . ."- someone said. Riza's ears perked up, and she leaned closer to the door._

_-"It makes me wonder how cute you were as a child. . ."- The lieutenant glared at the door and kept listening._

_-"Oh, very, you can even ask Hughes about it."- the woman heard Roy say. -"so tell me, will you wear a miniskirt for me sometime?"- Riza sweat dropped._

_-"Only for you, Taisa!"- that was enough. The lieutenant kicked the door down, an angry flame of fury surrounded her (plus it was visible). A woman, probably in her twenties, had crawled on top of Roy's desk, but froze with one leg still on the ground. Roy looked up too, and froze, and neither of them wanted to be the target for Riza's gun._

Yes, the perfect plan for revenge. PIE. Only, she would put spoiled milk in the crust instead, and camaflouged rotten spinach for the inside. It was much worse than getting shot. Much worse.

Riza carried the pie in a small box, and hummed to herself as she made her way to the colonel's office. She knocked on the door, which was answered by the normal 'Come in.' The lieutenant walked in with the box, and Roy looked up.

"Just because I felt like it, I made pie for every officer in HQ," the woman lied. Roy smiled and took the box.

"Thanks, Hawkeye." he said. She left and in came Edward. Just when the colonel was about to eat some of the pie.

"Hey, is that pie?" the blond asked.

"Uh, yeah. . ."

"Can I have some?"

"Sure."

Once Ed took a bite out of his piece of pie, his eyes widened.

Hughes sung happily to himself as he walked down the halls of headquarters. He heard a noise, and looked up, and was suddenly attacked by a certain boy who was yelling the Indian war cry.

Alphonse watched sadly from outside, and shook his head.

"Not again. . ."

_Whoa. That was short. Oh well, Review and I might continue! (man, I like to rhyme, don't I?)_

_**The War** _(I am too busy shooting at the walls in a mad girl frenzy to even notice that I'm missing Genkai-Chan, who's coming up behind me with the chainsaw)


	5. Coffee Madness

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**Note**: Thanks again for the reviews!

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so.

**Episode FIVE**

**Coffee Madness**

The colonel looked through his cupboards. Tea. He looked through his closets. Tea. Shoebox. Tea. Riza's gun and bullet collection. More tea. Roy nearly pulled all of the hair out of his head in anger. All of the coffee was gone. He would have to settle for what was here, just because he didn't feel like leaving headquarters. He grabbed a tea bag and boiled some water.

Riza entered the office, expecting to smell something that resembled coffee, but instead, smelled the scent of tea. She dropped all her paperwork in shock. Say it ain't so. Colonel Mustang was drinking tea. And that was bad. Real bad. She ran out the door to get a few officers.

"Breda, Fury, you come with me to go buy some coffee; Havoc, you stay here and stop the colonel from drinking too much tea. Ready?" Riza asked.

"Yes, Sir!" all three men saluted, and they scrambled.

Roy sat in his office with a cup of tea, and was humming to himself. Havoc walked into the office.

"Uh, Sir? I have to watch you for no good reason under orders of Lieutenant Hawkeye." he said.

"Okay, sure, whatever."

"Okay, so what kind of coffee does Mustang like again?" Breda asked. Fury shrugged, and Riza sighed.

"This is going to take a while. . ."

Havoc rocked back and forth in his chair, reading a magazine, while Roy grabbed another tea bag. The colonel looked out the window, and wanting something good to do, he threw his expensive chair out the window. The chair landed on the ground with a crash.

"Darn birds!" someone yelled from below.

Riza, Fury, and Breda stood at the back of a, what looked like, mile long line in the store.

"This is going to take a while. . ."

Havoc leaned back in his chair in boredom. He got up, and walked out of the office to get something to eat, while the colonel trashed everything in sight.

Riza and the two other officers were finally at the cash register. The cashier shook her head slightly.

"I'm sorry, but you exceeded the fifteen item limit. You'll have to go to the other cashier." The three officers groaned, and they dragged their feet to the next cash register, that had a line that looked more than two miles long.

Havoc walked back in with a sandwhich, and sat down in his chair, not noticing the destruction of the office. The colonel laughed evilly as he threw things everywhere, accidently hitting the lieutenant in the head, but no one noticed.

"Finally! Now we can get back to headquarters!" Breda exclaimed. The three officers got to the office, and gasped at the sight they saw. Most of the things were blown up, several desks were on fire, and Roy was a laughing madman. Havoc just sat at his desk, still reading, and not paying any attention to what was happening. Riza fell to her knees at the mess.

"This is going to take a while. . ."

_Yep. You're all wondering how tea can bein a shoebox, and Riza's bullet and gun collection. I originally had put itas Black Hayate'sdog food storage, but then I changed my mind. Review and I'll update._


	6. It Began with a Fight

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so.

**Roy**: -to FlameBrake, me, and Genkai-Chan- Ladies, ladies, please. No need to fight. There's enough of me to go around. -sparkles-

**All three**: Eek. Armstrong.

**Episode SIX**

**It Began with a Fight**

Roy, Edward, and several of the officers walked into the office, grumbling and covered in food. Riza, who was sitting in her desk, looked up and saw the mess.

"What happened?" she asked, trying to keep from laughing. Roy sighed and spoke.

"It began with a fight. . ."

_All I have been doing was minding my own business, when Fullmetal here ran up to be and attacked me. Now, he wasn't in one of his 'I just drank milk' moods, so that didn't give him an excuse to attack me for no reason. I was just an innocent young man, trying to mind his own business, and a shrimp makes it not happen._

"THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!" Edward interrupted. "AND I AM NOT A SHRIMP!"

_Baka Taisa here was making fun of me for no reason, and all he was doing was calling me anything related to short. I AM NOT SHORT! Everyone else is just taller. _

"I saw the whole mess." Breda coughed.

_Fullmetal and the Colonel were fighting over paperwork for no reason, and then Fullmetal attacked him, and Flame had to protect himself and then BOOM! BAM! POW! and then there was that and then there was this and then there was a BANG! and then_

"No, that's not how it happened," Fury said.

_They were actually fighting because they always do, and this fight was no different than all the other ones. We followed them over to the lunchroom, who were still yelling and brawling. Fullmetal accidentally clapped his hands, and food flew everywhere._

"THAT WAS NOT WHAT HAPPENED!" Edward and Roy yelled.

_(Ed) Baka Taisa here wanted to become a baka and threw a plate of Lo Mein at me!_

_(Roy) But then Shrimpy Edward here grabbed a bowl full of icecream and now the weird silver color will be stuck in my hair for weeks!_

_(Ed) WHO CARES? I got milk in my shoes! Not to mention spagetti in my shirt!_

The two officers began yelling at each other once more, and Riza pointed her gun up at the ceiling. She shot a shot, and several small pieces of the ceiling fell. Roy and Edward stopped yelling to look at the lieutenant in fear.

"It doesn't really matter what happened several minutes ago." she said between clenched teeth. "just get cleaned and fight somewhere else. . ."

And so they did. But their yells could be heard from all over HQ, much less the whole city.

_I hate you!_

_I hate you more!_

And so, their fight was ended when the Fuhrer took out an imaginary machine gun and blew everything up. They all lived deathly ever after.

_So? Whattya think? I meant to make this chapter longer, butuhit didn't work. But all ya have ta dois REVIEW! And I will update._

_**Roy: **-sniffleto me, FlameBrake, and Genkai-Chan- I lied. I'm sorry to you all. There is another._

_**All three**: -glare- WHO..._

_**Roy:** Her name...is Riza Hawkeye._

_**All Three**: NOOOOOOO!_


	7. Stupid Ice Cream Hair Dye

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so.

_**Note: **Heh, there was this commertial I remember seeing a few years ago, had something to do with men's shampoo or something. Oh, and this chapter is kind of a Riza x Roy thing, but just an eensy weensy teeny bit._

**Episode SEVEN**

**Stupid Ice Cream Hair Dye**

He just couldn't get it out of his hair. No matter how much shampoo he scrubbed on his scalp, he just couldn't get it out. Roy growled to himself, and then gave up. Just the day before, he didn't mind the silver ice cream _hair dye_ that Fullmetal had dumped on him in that food fight. Now he'd probably be called "Ghost Boy" or something like that.

'What'm I gonna do. . .?' the colonel thought to himself. He had to do something about this. It wasn't like black hair dye was free. Then an idea hit him. He could wear his military hat! But then it wouldn't be of much help because parts of his hair would still show. Roy sighed and stood up. All he had to do was just suffer a few days of constant teasing, and then when the dye faded, he could have his revenge on Fullmetal! The _perfect_ plan.

The man walked over to his door and took a deep breath. He walked out of his house, and looked around. No one. He began walking to headquarters, and then some random girls saw him.

"OMG! It's Colonel Roy Mustang!" one of them squealed. "I love your new hair color!" she blew him a kiss. Roy twitched, and continued walking. Every woman he walked by squealed or tried to glomp him. Hm, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad few days after all.

He walked into his office, expecting someone to call him a name or something.

"Hey! Lookin' good there, Taisa!" Havoc called.

"Something's different about you, Roy. . ." Hughes said. "new haircut?"

"Colonel, the paperwork needs. . ." Riza looked up from her files, and saw Roy. Everything went silent. The paper fell to the ground.

"Erm, I'm terribly sorry, Sir," the blond kneeled down to the ground to pick up the files. "clumsy me!"

After a few hours of working on paperwork and sorts, Roy was finally alone in his office. He got ready to pack things up and leave, when the door suddenly opened. He looked up and saw Riza in a whole new attire.

She wore a white tank top that said 'Bad Girl' in red fiery letters, a black miniskirt that went only, oh, just a few inches above her knees, leather boots, and her hair was down. Roy's jaw dropped. The woman walked towards him, and shoved him into the desk, running her hands through his ice cream silver hair.

"Oh, Taisa," she said in an unusual voice. "you look so. . .so. . .MANLY."

"I, uh, yes, well, Hawkeye, I uh. . ."

"Call me Riza. . ." she whispered.

"Um, Riza, yeah, well, um, uh. . ." Roy stuttered to find the right words to get her off of him. He looked around the room, and saw something dark scurry across the floor.

"Look! It's a rat!" he yelled.

"Sorry, ROY, but that's not going to work on me. . ." Riza licked her lips.

"No! Really! I'm serious here! There was a RAT on the floor!"

There was a squeak, and then Riza took out a pistol and shot behind her, without looking away. Roy winced at the sound of a splatter (poor rat!). Someone ran into the room.

"Sir! I heard gunsho. . ." a woman's voice stopped, and Roy looked. Riza stood at the doorway, in her usual military garments, her hair up, and was in shock. The Riza with her hair down twitched and began laughing.

"I SHALL GET YOU COLONEL MUSTANG!" she yelled, transforming into a deathly familiar palm-tree head and jumping out a window, and the only thing that could be heard was the screeching of tires and a loud 'THUNK'

"STUPID BIRDS!" someone yelled.

Roy and Riza stared out the window in silence.

Yes, Roy will get his revenge on Fullmetal indeed, because he was almost screwed by Envy.

_Yep. I went brain-dead in the beginning. I had originally made the real Riza the one with her hair down, and then Hughes barging in taking a picture for blackmail, but then this idea popped out of nowhere. . ._

_Oh, and just to clear something up, the Riza who dropped the paperwork WAS Riza. She was just shocked to see that Roy actually left his hair like that to go to work and live up to whatever humiliation he had to go through. _

_Please review!_


	8. Little Green PalmTree Head

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so. I also don't own Little Red Riding Hood.

**Warning**: Envy is OOC. I think. Lots of randomness. Oh, anyone wanting to see Roy's revenge will have to wait 'till chapter ten. Keep you something to look foreward to, lol. **_Oh, one more thing. Let's all form a gang, and mug Conner from my school, because he dissed Roy. We must kill him! KILLKILLKILL! DIE CONNER DIE! I HATE YOUR STUPID GUTS!_**

**Episode EIGHT**

**Little Green Palm-Tree Head**

Officers crowded around inside the office, snapping pictures with cameras. Roy and his subordinates stared at the middle in disbelief. Edward and Alphonse entered the room, wondering what was going on. Ed made his way through the people, and then saw what they were staring at.

Envy stood there, all chibi, with a dark green cloak, striking poses. He waved to everyone, and blew kisses.

"Thank you! Thank you very much! Love ya'll!" he squealed. He saw the shocked Fullmetal, and waved to him, too.

"Hello, Edwaaaaaard!" he called. Envy jumped up as high as his chibified body could take him, and ran up to the teenager, giving him a hug. Ed twitched in disturbance, and tried to peel the homonculus off of him.

"Eh, Guys? A little help here?" the blond asked. Riza was the first to walk up. She took Envy by the shoulders, and started to pull. The palm-tree head cloak boy clung on tighter to Edward, who was running out of air. Havoc ran up, and took Riza by the shoulders, and helped her pull on the Sin. Then Breda, Then Armstrong. Then Hughes. Fury. And then Roy. All of the soldiers were in a line, tugging at the person in front of them, pulling Envy, ever so slightly, away from the scared Edward.

**. . .Later. . .**

Edward was turning blue. Chibi Envy clung to his neck.

"All right, men!" Roy yelled. "on the count of three!"

"One. . ."

The soldiers got ready.

"Two. . ."

They took a deep breath.

"THREE!"

The soldiers pulled with all their might, and Envy flew across the room, and into the wall. Edward took his time to regain oxygen. Chibi Envy peeled himself off the wall, and dusted off his cloak.

"LITTLE GREEN PALM-TREE HEAD STRIKES AGAIN!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, and jumped out of the window. There was a loud screech of tires, and a 'THUNK'.

"I'm okay!" Envy yelled from below. The sound of more cars crashing was suddenly heard, and then there were more 'THUNK' sounds. The soldiers sweatdropped.

"Please tell me this is the last we see of that guy. . ." Havoc said.

_Uh-huh. That was strange. I wanted it to be longer, but it came out kinda short. Review and I'll update! No flames! Oh and: **DIE STUPID CONNER DIE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! -stabs a picture of Conner with a throwing knife-**_


	9. Groceries

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so.

**Note**: Totally random. I just typed what came to my mind, lol.

**To Genkai-Chan: **Hey! Thanks for the bomb! -throws it at Conner, then quickly takes out a machine gun and blows him to bits with an insane laugh-

**Episode NINE**

**Groceries**

The homonculus sins weren't too fond of Gluttony. Besides the fact that he can help clean up after they killed someone or something like that, they didn't like him much. They found him. . .annoying.

_Can I eat him?_

_When can I eat the human?_

_I'm hungry, can I eat him?_

_When can I eat?_

That was the only thing they ever heard escape from his mouth. The rest of the time he'd be drooling.

Lust sat at a desk, reading a novel. She loved the silence when it came to reading. It wasn't that silent, though, because she was sniffling, and wiping away tears at a very sad/happy part of the book. The homonculus had the feeling she was watched. She looked up, and saw Gluttony staring at her.

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'm hungry. Can I eat something?" the shory, chubby fellow said.

Wrath sat by a tree, doing nothing but stare out into space. He heard someone plop onto the ground next to him, and looked.

"What?" the young homonculus asked.

"I'm hungry. Can I eat something?" Gluttony said.

Envy stood in his room, in front of a mirror. He transformed into several people.

(transforms to Ed) "Oowah! I'm Fullmetal Pipsqueak!"

(transforms to Roy) "Ah! And I am the Flamed Alchemist! Everyone loves me!"

(transforms to Ed again) "It's true! I love you Taisa!"

(transforms to Roy) "I love you too, Edo-kun! Let's get married!"

(transforms to a crying Ed) "Oh, thank you, Taisa! I do!"

Envy snickered. People wondered what he liked to do at his past time. The door opened, and he turned.

"What?" he asked, annoyed someone entered his room without knocking.

"I'm hungry. Can I eat something?" Gluttony asked.

Sloth looked through a magazine, sitting on a bench. Someone walked up to her.

"No." she said, and the person walked away.

"Something has to be done." Envy said. "that glutton won't leave me alone."

"Same goes for me," Wrath blinked. Lust and Sloth nodded. They all watched Gluttony eat a tree.

"Even if he does eat," Lust began. "he is still hungry. We need to find something that will never run out."

"I heard there was a grocery store a few blocks away," the youngest Sin said. Everyone was silent, and looked over to where the chubby homonculus was.

"Oh, Gluttony. . ." they said in unison.

The Sins stood in front of a building. Envy had Gluttony blind folded, the chubby man drooling.

"All right, Envy. Let 'im loose!" Lust, Sloth, and Wrath hid behind a fence that popped out of no where, armed with helmets and shields. Envy removed the blind fold, and shoved Gluttony into the store. Screaming people raced out of the building, as the four Sins heard the homonculus's laugh.

"Well, that takes care of that!" Envy said, dusting off his hands. "anyone want to go to a movie?"

_Really. I told you so. I just wrote what came to my mind, and you know what? I kinda like how it turned out. Review and I'll update!_


	10. Roy's Journal

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so.

**Genkai-Chan**: lol, I doubt that's the same Conner. This one is 13, and is a lousy excuse for a human being. lol

**Note**: This is, like, a RoyxEd FLUFFY. . . for **Genkai-Chan** and **Flame Break**! (for being such cool rivals, lol) I'm still freaked out about this one fanart I just saw on a Japanese site. . .it was so sad! (and scary) And it had Al in it, and and and it was scary because part of the skin on his face was melted and and and the muscles were showing and it was horrible! (Note to self- stay away from those graphic sites from now on)

**Episode TEN**

**Roy's Journal**

Ed was bored. He wanted to take a break from researching the Philosopher's Stone. He wanted to pull a prank on Roy, but he couldn't because it was Roy's turn to pull a prank on him and he didn't want to get any of the Reviewers mad, who wanted to see what Roy's revenge was.

The teen saw Roy rushing down the hallway with paperwork, being chased by several bullets. Something dropped, and Edward leaned down to pick it up.

"Ooh. . .a journal. . ." he grinned. Who cares about Roy's revenge, this could be BLACKMAIL! Ed snickered evilly, and raced down to his dorm, where he sat at his desk. He flipped to one page.

_**March 7, 1911**_

_Oo-wah! I write so much I had to start another journal! Anyway, you know Edward? He passed the Alchemy Exam. Good. Why is that good? Because when I become Fuhrer, I will make all female officers wear TINY MINI SKIRTS! Why tiny? Because it's a man's FANTASY! Did you see Hawkeye? She was all 'Rar.'_

Edward stopped reading. None of the entries made any sense at all. The Colonel seemed to skip around a lot, not to mention his handwriting was sloppy. The teen flipped several pages.

_**July 12, 1914**_

_Yes, I know. The ladies LOVE me. I'm having fun watching these three girls fight over me (a-hem). I should make them wear miniskirts, sometime. -sigh- Hold on, this is getting way out of hand. . ._

_Okay, I'm back. I told them I liked Hawkeye, and gave them a random person's address, and told them it was her house. HOLY (! They burned it down! Oh well, not my problem. Did you see Edward today? He was h. . ._

Part of the page was ripped out. Ed flipped the pages.

"I WAS WHAT? I WAS WHAT?" he yelled. He flipped to the last page, and out fell two small black spheres. (I'm saying spheres, 'cause it would sound wrong if it said balls) Edward blinked and looked at them. They suddenly exploded, and a nasty smell filled the air.

Ed coughed and gagged.

"Air. . .air!" he squeaked. He burst out of the room, and saw green air in it.

". . .the heck. . .?" the teen said wide eyes. He could have sworn he heard someone laughing. He recognized that laugh.

"MUSTANG! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Roy ran down the hall in just a towel, fresh from the shower (rar), getting away from the grasp of the angry Fullmetal.

_Heh, yeah. It wasn't really much of a fluffy, either, but that one entry that cut off might have made it one if it wasn't cut off. Oh, and that shower thing? I just wanted to add something to make the fangirls drool in. . .um. . .LOVE. Anywho, review and I'll update!_


	11. The Ropes, the Ropes

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so.

**Note**: Huh? You talking to me? Did someone say 'ropes'? Ack! GHOST! IT'S KIRIE! SHE'S GONNA KILL ME! DIE! AAAAARRRGGGHHH!

**Episode ELEVEN**

**The Ropes, the Ropes**

After a long night of drinking at a bar, the military gang (including the still-sober Riza) walked down the dark town. Havoc fell behind, and collapsed, so Armstrong and Breda helped him walk back to HQ. Fury, who was also one of the only sober ones, walked behind them, when he heard some footsteps. He quickly looked back, and saw nothing there. The young man shrugged, and continued walking.

_The ropes. . .the ropes. . ._

someone whispered, and Fury jumped with a squeak. Riza looked at him.

"Is something the matter, Fury?" she asked. The man shrugged, and they continued walking.

Roy hiccupped and tripped on a crack in the sidewalk. Hughes burst out laughing.

"They just put that there. . ." he said. (my dad says that to me whenever I trip on something)

_The ropes. . ._

Bother men jumped and looked back, and saw a pale figure walking towards them, chains on it's arms, holding out it's hands. It seemed to have a rope around it's kneck and ankles. It wore a long, glowing white kimono, and it's (erm. . .her) hair was down, covering her face and shoulders. Roy and Hughes shrieked, and raced down the road, all the way up to HQ.

" -hiccup- Wuzzup wid dem?" Havoc slurred.

_. . .the ropes. . .the ropes. . ._

He, Breda, and Armstrong looked back, and saw that same pale figure. Their jaws dropped, and eyes twitched. Havoc and Breda raced to HQ, leaving the strong buff man.

"I shall defeat you with my BEAUTIFUL PINK SPARKLES OF DOOM!" he yelled in his speech-like voice. The figure let out a blood chilling giggle, and Armstrong's sparkles fell to the ground like rocks. He ran away screaming. Riza and Fury looked over at the figure, who stopped the giggle just to burst into a hysterical fit of laughter. Behind her, came out a laughing Edward, with several dollar bills.

"Here, Sae. Thanks for filling in for Kirie!" he said.

"No prob, kid. Call me anytime you need help." the figure dropped her clothing to reveal a kimono drenched in blood, and then dropped the wig to reveal shorter hair.

"See you later!" Ed waved, and grinned. He noticed Riza glaring.

"Heehee. . .I'm in trouble now. . .aren't I?"

_This is my punishment for looking at that scary Al picture I mentioned a few chappies earlier. Yep._


	12. Havoc's Mysterious Fanmail

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so.

**Note**: I was going to write something else for this chapter, but then I changed my mind and I'm going to save it for later. Oh, has anyone played Dragon Ball Z Budokai 3? When can you unlock Trunks? He's so good looking (but Roy, on the other hand. . .RAR)

**Episode TWELVE**

**Havoc's Mysterious Fanmail**

It was unbelievable. Truly. Havoc walked over to his desk, and do you know what he saw? A letter, signed by a _secret admirer_. It had heart stickers on it. PINK, heart stickers. And smelled of a perfume that was sure to make anyone think they're dreaming. The blond man thought he could recognize the handwriting, and see if it could be Riza or the flower shop girl or Armstrong's sister (no, I have not seen episode 37)(yet) or maybe some guy or something.

Sadly, he couldn't make out who's handwriting it was.

**NEXT DAY**

Havoc walked over to his desk, and saw two more letters on it, one from the same one yesterday, and the other from someone new. The man decided he had to investigate.

Fan letters came from the same two people. Although, they were coming more and more each day. He imagined one of them saying "I can see me stalking nobody but you, for all my life."

Someone had to stop this. Before somebody was killed!

**TWO WEEKS AFTER _NEXT DAY_**

Havoc burst into the colonel's office, causing an avalanche of letters to fall in after him. Roy widened his eyes in surprised.

"Are those for me?" he asked. "I'm very flattered, Havoc, but I don't date men, if you remember."

"No, of course they're not for you!" Havoc wheezed. "I've been getting these things for days, from the same two _SECRET ADMIRERS_ and it's driving me mad!" Roy remained quiet for a second and then went back to paperwork.

"Not my problem." he said.

"B-but Sir!" Havoc cried.

"No buts, Lieutenant. You should be glad you're getting fanmail. It's not everyday that you do."

"But it IS everyday!" the blond started to pout like a child, and accidentally dropped the cigarette from his mouth. There was a sudden 'snap' and all of the letters burned in Hades.

"There, happy?" the colonel continued to sign the papers.

"Eh. . .I will be. . .as soon as I regain my brain. . ."

**DOWN THE HALL**

"Quick! Write another one before they find out!"

"To who? It doesn't seem right to do it to Mr. Havoc."

"YOU'VE BEEN WRITING TO THE 2ND LIEUTENANT?"

"B-but. . ."

"I simply told you to the colonel!"

There was an 'ahem' and Hawkeye appeared standing over two figures, one red and the other one blue.

"May I help you, Elrics?"

_Yeah. I really should rename this fic. It has nothing to do with the title. Oh well, maybe I can think of something that does make sense for it. REVIEW AND I'LL UPDATE! _


	13. Cat Fight

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so. I do own me, no one owns me but me. HAH! In yo face, Miercon! I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE!

**Note**: This happened in a dream I had a few weeks ago. Yep. I'll try to write ad much as I can remember (because, well, you know how dreams are) I also beat the FmA game. I just love the song that plays at the end! It's so inspiring!

**Episode THIRTEEN**

**Cat Fight**

It took place late at night, HQ was located in the middle of the ocean. The sounds of squacking chickens, barking dogs, flapping fish, meowing cats, and yelling girls filled the air. There was the sound of pots and pans crashing.

The 'screen' showed a dark haired girl with a low pony tail clenching her fists. The 'screen' quickly flew over to a blond, squinting her eyes.

"What did you think you were doing with _my _Roy-Sama?" the dark haired girl demanded.

"Hmph." the blond smirked. "all I was doing was giving _MY _darling Roy paperwork."

"For marriage maybe!" the other girl licked her lips, and eyed the raven haired man hiding in the corner.

"Now Ladies, please. . ." he began to say, but was interrupted by the blond.

"Now you've done it, -**BLEEP**- you're going down!" she pulled out a pistol and started shooting at the dark haired girl. The bullets went through.

"Who are you calling -**BLEEP**-, -**BLEEP**-?" she pulled out a fake looking sword that transformed into Ed, who ran away screaming O.o Or maybe it was Block or Brock, or whatever his name is.

"Shut your -**BLEEP**-" Riza took out an RPG Cannon and aimed it at the girl, who grabbed a pie out of no where and transformed it into a shield. Riza shot, and a bouncy ball flew out of the cannon, bouncing onto Breda's desk and blowing up into thousands of bubbles.

"-**BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP**-" Riza and the girl yelled. Havoc whistled.

"I didn't know women used such language!" he said. "well, kinda." Roy ran over to the cheering military that took up the whole world, and cheered with them while watching the fight. Greed, Envy, Gluttony, and Wrath all watched, while Lust and Sloth jumped into the fight as well. They all turned into cats. Al jumped into the fight and hugged them. For some odd reason, Ed and Gracia were making out, while Hughes was thinking of the plan to make all women in the world wear mini skirts when HE became Fuhrer of the military.

Elswhere, a random boy (Conner), stepped on a mine and exploded and disappeared from the face of the earth forever, and was sent to eternal punishment down in Hades.

The ocean turned into milk and the military ripped off their clothing to reveal swimming gear! Edward ran in.

"CANNON BALL!" he yelled, splashing everyone. Al did a back lap, or whatever it was called. The dark haired girl and Riza shoved Roy into the milk, and giggled their heads off. Roy splashed them, and all three began laughing (this reminds me of that New Kamagure Orange Road movie or something like that). Armstrong drank all the milk in one sip. Everyone drowned.

Roy gasped for air and jumped back into HQ, running around in just his swimming trunks.

"SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN!" he yelled. The alarm went off and everyone barged out of headquarters, armed and ready.

"READY!" Roy yelled, commanding the entire fleet of people with guns.

"AIM!"

"FIRE!"

They all shot, and out popped Conner, who exploded, and died a second death and got sent to Hades for eternal punishment.

Then I woke up.

_Heh-heh. . . -scratched back of head- Yeee-eah. Um, Review?_


	14. When Fury Attacks

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so. I do own me, but not any Special Guests. So there.

**Note**: LOL. . .you should know. . .you should not trust me if I don't know what I'm doing. . .which I don't. Yeah. . .I was battling my writer's block. . .and that's bad. . .lol

**Special Guest: **She kindly asked me if she could be part of a chapter. . . -drumbroll- **Jazze Al-Bhed-Girl**! GIVE IT UP! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Episode FOURTEEN**

**When Fury Attacks**

Morning. It was the most peaceful time of day. Besides Evening. The rest of the time was noise and fights and yelling and. . .yeah.

Roy covered his ears at the loud noise of Fury trying to fix a soda machine. It's been three months, and he STILL hasn't fixed it.

"Eh, Fury. . .I would be glad to help with alchem-" Roy said one time, but was interrupted with a glare that could melt anything it stared at.

"I'Ll bE FIne. tHIs caNnOT bE FixED WITH alcHeMY. . ." Fury said in an evil tone. The Flame Alchemist slowly backed away in fear. Everyone did not let out even the tiniest squeak.

There was an explosion at the door. Everyone, including Fury, looked up, to see two figures with cheap capes standing in the smoke.

" -coughcough- How many times -cough- have I told you -coughcoughcough- NOT to use the -cough- smoke bombs for -cough- blowing up doors?" yelled one.

"Sorry! -cough- I guess I -coughcough- brought the -cough- wrong bombs!" said the other one. They both looked up, to see everyone else looking at them. The one who spoke last quickly put her hands on her hips, a sudden breeze flying from no where, making the capes sway.

"No need to fear, Reina and Jazzy are here!" she squealed.

"Couldn't you have chosen a more cooler line, like. . ." the other girl looked over to Roy. ". . .GO EAT SOME CHEESE, YOU SLEEZE!" she squealed and took out a chainsaw, then began to chase the frightened Colonel around with it.

Did I mention Fury was foaming at the mouth?

The young man jumped up onto the soda machine, yelling the war cry of an Indian, drilling a large hole in the ceiling with his bare hands. Al and Ed stood outside, watching the scene.

"See Ed? That's what happens if you drink your milk."

"Really?"

"Yeah, only you don't go around drilling holes into ceilings."

"Oh. What's that?"

"A butterfly."

"Can people eat it?"

"No."

Meanwhile, Reina, the one who wasn't chasing Roy around with a chainsaw, took out a flame thrower and started flaming the soda machine. It began to melt, making Fury jump off of it, and kick the girl in the back.

"Ow! YOU KICK GIRLS! And you call yourself a MAN!"

"I never said I was one." Fury's uniform slipped off. Reina and Jazze gasped.

"ELVIS PRESLEY?" they both squealed.

"Whoops, wrong costume." the clothing slipped off, and the two girls gasped once more.

"PINNOCIO?" (the one from Shrek, not from Kingdom Hearts from Pinnocio)

"I'll GET YOU SOMEDAY YOU ROTTEN LOWLIVES!" the wooden boy yelled. He jumped out the window, and several 'Thunks' were heard, just like any other time when someone jumped out the window. There was a 'Bang!'

"That'll teach ya not to crud on my car, darn birds." someone said. Reina and Jazze looked at each other, then to Roy.

"Wh-what?" he asked. The two girls formed evil grins.

"Now, time to do what we came here for. . ." they held up several make up packages and sorts. The man gasped.

"DRESS UP!"

Roy's screaming could be heard through out East City.

_Yeah. I warned you not to trust me when I didn't know what I was doing. REVIEW!_


	15. Roy Petsits

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so. I do own me, but not any Special Guests. So there.

**Note**: I got this idea from... when I was playing with Snuggles. (I swear, he hates me) Only, the Snuggles I had didn't have claws. lol

**Special Guest**: Snuggles the Cat!

**Episode FIFTEEN**

**Roy Petsits**

Yes, we all know what happened to Breda when he babysat Elicia. But what was Roy doing during the time?

Roy leaned back on his chair, humming to himself while listening to Breda's distant screams from trying to get away from the family-obsessed Hughes. About around the time the screams faded, Ed burst into the room with a pure white he-cat. Roy looked up, and the furball was shoved into his face.

"Watch Snuggles for Al while I go get some grub!" the teenager ordered, and walked away. He shut the door behind him, and then the raven haired man looked at the cat, who looked at him with those scary amber eyes.

"This is going to be easy," the colonel said with a smirk.

After a while, Roy got bored of just staring at the cat. He got up and walked around the room, then stood in front of a chair where Snuggles jumped onto. Roy looked down at him with a grin, and leaned down just an inch. The cat suddenly leapt up, claws springing forth from his paws, launching at Roy's face. The man quickly backed away from the snarling English Puss in Boots that never had boots.

A few minutes later, Roy took a seat on his couch. Yup, he loved the smell of leather. Snuggles jumped up onto the couch as well, and sat behind the Colonel's head. Roy noticed, and looked back at the cat, not ready to take on any tricks the feline had up his sleeve. . .erm. . .yeah.

The cat launched himself at the man's face. Claws emerging from his paws.

After fifteen minutes, Edward walked back into the room, whistling as happy as he could be. He stopped when he saw shredded cloth on the ground, burnt furniture, and a scratched and bloody Roy with a dancing cat.

"Whoa, what happened here?" the teen asked in awe. Al walked into the room after, and taking no notice of the damage, called to Snuggles. The cat walked. . .er. . .crawled over to the armor, purring happily, and they both left. Ed took one glance over to the beaten Roy, burst out laughing, and ran out of the room. Roy, on the other hand, had to get shots.

_Yeeeeeeeee-eah. I know. That cat did try to attack me, but it never beat me up. lol REVIEW!_


	16. Prank Calls

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so. I do own me, but not any Special Guests. So there.

**Episode SIXTEEN**

**Prank Calling**

There's a time in everyone's life when you're just bored, and you have to do something to. . . not be bored anymore. The whole office, even Riza, was bored to insanity.

Then he got an idea.

Roy reached for the phone and dialed a random number. The rest of his subordinates watched him as he snickered in craziness.

"_Hello_?" said the person in the phone.

"Uh, yeah, I'm looking for the owner of the house?" Roy said.

"_Hang on._" the sound of bubble gum popping was heard. "_DAAAAAAAAAD!"_ The raven haired man blinked several times, and then someone got the phone.

"_Hello?_" asked a, rather cheerful, man.

"Hi, are you the man of the house?"

"_Why, yes I am! What can I do for you?_" asked the man.

"You just won ten thousand dollars!" Roy yelled into the phone. The person gasped.

"_I. . .I won. . .ten thousand. . .oh my. . .oh. . ._" The Colonel could have sworn the man was crying.

"Would you please hold?"

"_All right._" at that, Roy quickly hung up, and burst out laughing.

"Oh oh oh! I wanna try!" Havoc yelled, getting up, tripping over his chair, and then landing face first into Roy's desk. Breda burst out laughing, and got up, only to trip over Havoc's feet and landing in front of a cheerful Black Hayate. The man screamed, and got up, only to hit his head under the desk, knocking over a box of tissues that landed on Black Hayate's face, who yelped and blindly ran through the room, running into Fury's legs, who fell on his back, and onto Falman, who let out a girlish scream and dropped all his things, hands raised into the air. Riza, surprisingly, laughed, and walked over to Roy's desk and picked up the phone. The men watched her as she dialed a number.

"Yeah, hey," she said in a. . .very disturbing voice. "you just won the lottery, AND a lifetime supply of tickets for the Bar-Next-Door." They heard an old man yell happily.

"_Hear that, Julia? I'm leavin' you fer good!_"

Riza grinned and hung up, sitting on the desk.

"MY TURN! MY TURN!" Havoc squealed, and grabbed the phone, dialing a number. It rang. And rang, and rang. Finally, someone picked it up.

"_Hello, Rockbells._" said a young, feminine voice. Uh-oh. Havoc's jaw dropped, as he searched for what to say. By some miracle, he had managed to call the Rockbells. The Elric brother's family friends.

"I. . .uh. . ." _what did this girl like_? Havoc remembered something about wrenches and automail.

"You just won a free-" he paused. "-refridgerated truck!" the officers looked at him with confused looks. They nearly went deaf when they heard a loud squeal, and then '_hear that, Grandma? I won a refridgerated truck!_' Havoc quickly threw down the receiver, and cleared his throat. Breda grabbed the phone, and punched numbers. Someone answered.

"Uh, hey, Bob." the officer said with a smirk. "you haven't returned that lawn mower you borrowed from me ten years ago, and I hear you used it to shred meat."

"_WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'M TOO BUSY SHREDDING THIS MEAT WITH A LAWNMOWER I BORROWED FROM A FRIEND TEN YEARS AGO!_"

Breda clamped his mouth shut. He felt psychic.

_Uh. . .yeah. Anywho, I have a question. What's a drabble? I've read several of them, like the HavocFury and RoyEd ones, and I was wondering. . .are they like mini fanfics or something? Anywho, REVIEW!_


	17. Kidnapped Riza

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so. I do own me, but not any Special Guests. So there.

**Episode SEVENTEEN**

**Kidnapped Riza**

She was cautious that day. She really was. Plus, she drank too much coffee that she was definately on high alert. But, out of the blue, someone grabs her. And they just had to ruin her hair that took her two hours to fix right. Those black footed yellow bellied mean talkin' scumbags.

A note was left under a stack of paperwork. It was black, and it showed. But why is it that everyone didn't notice it, huh? HUH?

Riza was thrown into a cell. Yep. You weren't expecting that, did you? Yep, they also took her pistols. Not only that, but she was high on coffee. The guard never knew what hit him.

She was chained to the wall, that she was, and the guard stood outside. Nobody knew what she did when she was high on coffee, and nobody wanted to. But, one guy did, and we all know that that was the guard.

"All by. . .myself. . ." Riza sang. The guard pounded the wall.

"Hey you! Be quiet in there!"

"Don't wanna be. . ." the woman took a deep breath. ". . .all by myself. . .anymore. . ."

"No talking!" the guard outside ordered. Riza suddenly broke the chains and lay on the ground.

"I made it through the wilderness!" she squealed. "you know I made it throu-ough! Didn't know how lost I was until I. . .found you." the man quickly turned red and Riza stood. She grabbed the chains from the wall and swung them around like a lasso.

"She's into superstitions, black cats, and VOODOO DOLLS!" she sang, swinging the chain over to the cell doors and pulling them down. The guard squeaked, and jumped back. He backed away from the chain lasso Riza held in her hands. She let go one end of the chain and it magically wrapped around the guard's shirt.

"She'll make you take your clothes off, and go dancing in the rain!" Riza shoved him out of the door, and the guard landed outside, and it began to magically began to rain.

"She'll make you live her crazy life, but she'll take away your PAIN!" the lieutenant whipped out a spare pistol and aimed it at the man. "LIKE A BULLET TO YOUR BRAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIN!" The guard screamed in a high pitched voice and ran away screaming.

Roy and his subordinates raced down the hallway, only to pass a certain screaming guard. The officers found Riza, but not as they suspected.

Riza stood with her back facing them, her pistol in one hand, the chain in the other. She whipped her head over to look at them.

"These boots were made for walkin'!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

_Review. That's all I have to say. Acually, wait. I have one thing. This is the punishment I get for watching too much Shrek 2. Gawd, I love that movie._


	18. The Day Falman Lost His Mind

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so. I do own me, but not any Special Guests. So there. I also don't own any doujinshi. Unless you count the ones I made. I do own those.

**Special Guest:** Someone I know in real life. She's my best friend. She hates Envy. Sometimes she says she hates Roy, but only to have me make her take it back by threatening her with meaningless words. (ex. I WON'T RECORD FmA FOR YOU NO MORE!) Then laugh evilly.

**Episode EIGHTEEN**

**The Day Falman Lost His Mind**

Normal in Eastern HQ wasn't really normal to the really normal, normal people. No, the normal in Eastern HQ was more, you know, not so normal.

There would be the talk of miniskirts, an officer with glasses who foamed at the mouth, a guy screaming whenever a dog came near him, a man who kept burning himself with his cigarette, a young woman shooting at the men at their feet to, not only have them work, but dance themselves to death, a boy becoming an assassin at sometimes after drinking milk, a photo happy man, and a sparkle happy, pecs flexing major.

But one officer, Vato Falman, was one of those normal, normal people. Although, sometimes he'd bring up a dictionary definition sometimes, he tries to stay out of the way.

Unless you count bets, but that's a change of subject.

One day, the man lost his mind. No one knows if it was from something in his coffee, or he's gone mad from just being different than his fellow officers. . . . .

Falman had just finished reading a doujinshi about the military; about him and several officers betting one what was happening between Roy and Riza in his office. (I forgot what it was called, but to anyone who wants to know, I'll check on that and let you know. (1))

Suddenly, he felt something click in the back of his mind. Like he had lost all of the precious information he had learned from all that reading dictionaries from boredom. Like a chalkboard being erased. A road full of smart people suddenly becoming dumb. You get the drift. Famlam just felt like. . . losing his mind.

He dropped his doujinshi, in which Riza saw, recognized the cover, and blew it to bits, red in the face. Falman clutched his head, and everyone watched.

"What's up with him?" Havoc asked Fury. The younger man shrugged, and continued to pound at the soda machine that was now broken for six months.

Falman let out a gasp, and looked up at everyone with blank eyes. Just. . . wiped out blank. As in, no pupils. Not only that, but he looked like Gluttony because he was slobbering all over the carpet Roy payed so much for.

(Roy: Yeah! I payed five dollars for that at a garage sale!. . .Heeeeeyyyy. . .)

The old man jumped up, and jumped out the window, being the first person ever, to dodge the cars with no problem at all.

_Meanwhile. . . . ._

"Hey, Guys!" Envy barged into the _secret hideout_ of the sins, that was just a picnic under a large sakura tree, with a newspaper. "looks at this article! It says that Warrant Officer Falman of Eastern HQ has gone mad, and ran away! And just several minutes ago!"

"Hmmm. . ." Lust said, studying the paper. ". . .that's amazing. . ."

"The fact that Falman has gone mad?" the palm tree head scratched the back of his head.

"No, you nincompoop!" The woman Sin yelled, smacking the homonculus with the newspaper. "the fact that the news reporters can publish the paper so quickly in just a few minutes!"

"But Lust. . ." Envy said. "this was printed yesterday. . ."

_Back at Eastern HQ. . ._

Remember Breda and his amazing psychic abilities? Yep. He talked to some newspaper reporter two days ago at ten P.M. at a coffee shop, where he ordered a normal coffee, and ran off without paying for it.

_Back at the Sin's _SECRET_ base. . . ._

Lust and Envy watched at Falman ran around, destroying everything he could destroy, while Gluttony decided it was a good time to have gas.

_Back at Falman. . . ._

The man laughed in madness, as he watched a squirrel on a bus's windshield wipers go _squish squish squish._' (2) Falman picked up a chainsaw and grilled cheese. He watched a banana split. A screw driver. A monkey wrench. Not only that, but he also watch a board walk, a French toast, and a pan cake. I did not get that last one, did you?

_Back at Eastern HQ. . . ._

Nobody really cared that Falman had left, really. Everyone just went on with their lives and acting _normal_.

_Back at sin's _SECRET_ base. . ._

Envy and Lust decided it was a good time to run away, as Gluttony REALLY cut the cheese. And there was no cheese involved! AT ALL!

"Say, why don't we see if we can have Falman do more insane things, like. . ." Envy began.

". . .light his front on fire?" (3) Lust asked.

"Naw, how about. . .like. . ."

"Where women's clothing?"

"Now you're talking!"

But, when the two Sins made it to Falman, another person made it there first.

"You're. . ." Envy said in fear.

". . .that. . .that person. . ."

". . .whoever you are. . ." the two Sins shuddered.

"Ugh, I can't believe my best friend shoved me into this story. Not that I don't mind, but still." the figure glared over to Lust and Envy, well, mostly to Envy. She suddenly shrieked. "OHMIGOSH! IT'S LUST! she screamed. The girl shoved Envy out of the way to shake the frightened Sin's hand.

_Meanwhile. . ._

Falman was watching two trains crashing into each other, then bursting into a fit of laughter as it exploded.

_Back at the Sins. . ._

Lust killed the random girl who scared her (4), and she and Envy decided to go somewhere else to cause ultimate chaos.

Everyone eventually forgot about Falman and went to bed; either that or got drunk and had painful headaches the next morning.

(1) -checks the title- Oh. It was called Taisatyui.

(2) Oh, heh. Listen to 'The Wheels on the Bus' song, and see if the squirrel on the windshield works great for it.

(3) No, I do not watch Robot Chicken. Never have, never will. Only seen the commertial where a dude lights his crotch on fire.

(4) Oh crud, I hope she doesn't read this, lol.

_Review. That's all I'm asking for. Oh, and if you're a fan of RoyEd, and you haven't read my latest fic, Hagane no Neko, I shall force. . .erm. . .ENCOURAGE you to read it. I'm sure you'll love it!_


	19. Attack of the Children

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I wouldn't say so. I do own me, but not any Special Guests. So there. I also don't own any doujinshi. Unless you count the ones I made. I do own those.

**Special Guest:** Jazze Al-Bhed-Girl! Me! Um... some friends of mine!

**Episode NINETEEN**

**Attack of the Children**

**(or: The Stampede that ripped the world apart)**

Roy sat at his desk, like in any other chapter, minding his own business.

Until IT happened. For no reason, Black Hayate let out a sound that was mixed between a monkey yodeling, and Breda singing.

The ground started to shake, and the young colonel looked up from his paperwork. The door was thrown open, and there stood Edward, his some of his clothing ripped to shreds. There were lipstick marks all over his face, and the teen was out of breath.

"Mustang. . . if you value your life as much as I do mine, you'll take my advise. . ." the wall behind Ed suddenly crashed back, and there stood four girls, eyes glowing bright red. Two of them, twins, looked bloodthirsty. The other two, looked as if they were ready to pounce on someone. ". . .Mustang. . ." Ed said. His eyes then widened as he rushed towards Roy, hand grabbing at the man's neck, throwing him out the window. "RUN!.!.!.!"

Ed jumped out afterwards.

_Few seconds later. . ._

"My gosh, guys. . .erm. . .gals." said a boy behind the four girls. "if you feel THAT bad about making out with them, you shouldn't look so bloodthirsty." he was silent as he saw one of the girls applying more lipstick. "erm. . .Reina, what are you doing?"

"I'm gonna practice kissing Havoc!" the girl answered, jumping on Havoc and kissing him.

"PRaCticE NUtHIn'. . ." said one of the twins. ". . . I wAnt MY EDwArD. . ." she drooled.

"AnNA. . . WhO SAiD hE wAS YOURs?" the other twin asked.

Reina stood, wiping her mouth, and a gleam in her eye. She raced out of the building.

"I'M COMING FOR YOU, RRROOOOOOOYYYY!.!.!.!.!"

"H-Hold on a minute!" Jazze, the other girl, called. She took out her chainsaw. "WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEEE!.!.!.!" The twins, Amy and Anna, followed soon after, walking like bloodthirsty zombies.

"EdWArD. . ." they said in unison.

After the girls had left, the boy had stayed behind, and watched everyone recover from their shocked state.

"Ugh. . . if they do anything to the Colonel, I'm gonna. . ." Riza muttered. The boy walked over to her.

"So. . . you're not that Edward person, right?" he asked. (1)

"No, of course not." Riza answered with a disgusted look.

"You doing anything tonight?"

"Not on your life, Brat."

_Wherever Ed and Roy are hiding. . ._

Roy leaned up against a tree, keeping out of sight from the four strange girls.

"This is worse than the Ishbal Massacre. . ." he said.

"Ugh, tell me about it!" Edward whined, using his jacket to wipe the lipstick off his face. "I've never been there before, so the worse I can think of at the moment is Barry the Chopper."

_Elsewhere. . ._

Barry the Chopper paused from chopping up a random person, and sneezed.

_Back at Ed and Roy. . ._

The two officers heard a stampede.

"This is it. . ." Ed whispered. ". . .I know it. . ."

"Fullmetal. . . I have a confession to make. . ." Roy said.

"What?"

"Before I die. . . I just want to let you know. . ."

Ed blinked several times.

"Go on. . ."

". . .I WAS THE ONE WHO STOLE YOUR COAT FROM YOUR ROOM!"

"WHAT!.?"

Edward began yelling at the colonel, not knowing that their not-so-favorite visitors had found them.

"THERE yOu Are MY prEcIOuS. . ." Amy and Anna snickered. Jazze turned on her chainsaw with an evil grin, and Reina grabbed Roy, pinning him to the ground.

"Say, Jazze, what's the chainsaw for?" a voice asked.

"Clothing."

"But. . .!" Reina gasped. "I thought it would be easier to use our bare hands!"

"Yeah, you're right." Jazze tossed away the chainsaw, still on, which flew over to a reincarnated Basque Grand, slicing his head clear off his shoulders. People cheered.

Ed and Roy's screams of fear echoed through out East City, as the four girls laughed evilly.

_I dunno what went wrong right there. Oh well, anywho, I need all of you good and kind viewers to give me ideas for the next chapter. Any ideas not used may be used for future chappies, okay? Okay. REVIEW PEOPLE!_

(1) Yeah, Andrew, the boy, thought that Edward and Riza were the same person. Of course, he's never seen the show, but Riza and Ed are two completely different people! HOW CAN HE NOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE!.?


	20. Origami Paperwork

Alchemy, Officers, and Contests

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Because I don't. So don't sue.

Chapter 20

Origami Paperwork

The whole office was bored, bored out of their minds. Paperwork was filing up by the minute, thanks to Lieutenant Hawkeye. She was the only one who kept a smirk on her face as Roy groaned at the sight of her bringing in fifteen more stacks (he's exaggerating, she only brought in two).

The woman left in search of more paperwork, and the office was silent. Havoc saw Fury grabbing a piece of paper, who started to fold it. After a few seconds, the young man held up his masterpiece.

"Ta-da!" he yelled. Everyone looked at the paper, which had now transformed into a swan.

"Whooooaaaa." Breda said.

"Fury, I didn't know you could do origami!" Roy said.

"Well, I can," Fury set the swan down and grabbed another piece of the dreaded paperwork. He began to fold it, and after several seconds, it was a frog.

The young man taught the office how to fold origami, and after several minutes of endless mistakes, everyone finally got it.

A half hour later. . .

All of the paperwork in the office had been turned into little animals. Well, some of them weren't little, because Armstrong used up most of the paper to make his life sized flamingo.

"I'm bored. . ." Roy said, finishing his shrimp origami. The office fell asleep, and when Riza walked back into the room, hearing a clap and the sound of alchemy, and wondered why there were paper animals walking around the room.

Ta-daaaaa! Hoped ya'll liked it! Even though it was short. Anywho, the person who caused the origami to come to life was none other than Ed, lol. Review and I'll update!


	21. Stuck

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Because I don't. So don't sue.

**Chapter 21**

**Stuck**

Roy got out of his car and slammed the door shut, got ready to walk into headquarters. He felt something was wrong, but couldn't put his finger on it. The man prepared to walk away, when he felt something tug on his left sleeve.

The Colonel twitched, and looked. His sleeve was stuck in the door. Not only that, but his keys were in the car.

In Roy's mind, he let out several screams, yells, and curses that shouldn't even exist. He started to panic.

But wait, he could cover it up and say that he was waiting for someone, but then, that would be wrong for two reasons: 1) He was a Colonel, and Colonel's don't pick other people up unless it's for dates, and 2) The passenger seat is on the other side of the car.

Roy felt sweat dripping down his neck as women passed by to wave and soldiers as well.

"Sir, what are you doing out?" Riza asked, tapping the gun stabbed to her hip.

"Um, I was waiting for everyone to go in." Roy answered, not noticing the never ending twitch in his left eye.

"You do know, Sir, you need to have the paperwork done in one hour?" the lieutenant raised an eyebrow, and noticed Roy had his hands behind his back.

"Sir, I don't mean to ask this, don't take it personally, but. . . Do you have a secret?"

"Wh-what do you mean by that?" the raven haired man asked.

"Are you a cross dresser?" Riza eyed him closely. "is it. . . That time. . .?"

"NO!" Roy yelled, turning beet red. "now, go do the paperwork or whatever you do, Lieutenant, I'll be there shortly!"

Few minutes later. . .

Havoc raised an eyebrow as he saw the colonel just standing there in front of his car, hands behind his back, and not moving an inch.

"No, he's not a cross dresser," Riza said, as the blond was going to open his mouth to say something.

Few more minutes later. . .

"Hey, Baka Taisa, what are ya doing there?" Ed asked, in an unbelievably good mood.

"Waiting."

"For who?" Ed grinned. Roy's eye twitched. What was he getting at? The raven haired man kept close to the car, trying to let his sleeve loose so he could make a run for it. The younger alchemist looked inside the car.

"Ooh. I get it!" the blond said. "you're waiting for someone to unlock your door!" Ed walked over to the passenger side and opened the door, getting out the keys, and also opening the driver door without having to unlock it.

Roy's jaw dropped.

"The door was unlocked the whole time, you Baka." Edward laughed. "I always knew you were too lazy to do your own work!"

And with that, the blond walked away laughing, leaving Roy standing there in embarrassment.

Review, please! Lol, this was based on a true story, although I knew the door was unlocked. XD


	22. Mustang the Mighty

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Because I don't. So don't sue.

**Chapter 22**

**Mustang the Mighty**

Roy sat at his desk, being unbelievably bored, as usual. He wanted something fun to do. The man was tired of paperwork, tired of signing them, and tired of his pen that he uses to sign them. Roy slammed his head against his desk, and let out an 'ARG!'

"Say, Guys!" Breda said. "Mustang looks bored! Let's do something to cheer him up!"

"Yeah!" Fury and Falman said. Havoc appeared with four microphones, and sunglasses. They each cleared their throats, and stood before Roy's desk.

"One two three go!"

**Mustang the Mighty**

**Roams through the paperwork**

**He never needs a place to hide**

**With Hawkeye as his sidekick**

**Fighting with her pistol**

**Righting wrongs and shooting guns**

**Being mighty all day long**

**He's Mustang, Mustang the Mighty!**

"What are you people doing?" Roy asked in that bored tone.

"We're giving you and energy boost so you can finish the paperwork in time!" Fury shouted.

**Oohhhhhh. . .**

**He's Mustang the Mighty**

**Teeth very shiny**

**Every woman loves him**

**'Cause he has a DASHING grin**

**Mustang, Mustang the Mighty!**

"Say. . ." Roy smirked. "this song ain't so bad." he stood up and grabbed an extra microphone.

**Mustang the Mighty**

**Teeth very shiny**

**Every man envies him**

**He's so handsome it's a sin**

**When you're in jeopardy**

**Don't call the cavalry**

**There's a better remedy**

**(Although he doesn't work for free!)**

**He's every man's trusty**

**He's every woman's fantasy**

**Plus he's goo-oood company**

**He's Mustang, I'm Mustang the Mighty!**

Riza walked in carrying in extra paperwork

"What's going on in here?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. Roy took the paperwork gladly, and signed them all.

**Miniskirts and victory! Ha-ha!**

**Mustang the Mighty**

**Teeth very shiny**

**Every man envies him**

**He's so handsome it's a sin**

**When things get grim**

**He'll take it on the chin**

**If you're in jeopardy**

**Caused by the enemy**

**No, not Homunculi! **

**There's a better remedy**

**(Although he doesn't work for free!)**

**He's every man's trusty**

**He's every woman's fantasy**

**Plus he's goo-oood company**

**Look out! He's Mustang, Mustang the Mighty!**

**Mustang the Mighty!**

The five men finished singing, and saw Riza and Ed looking at them with crossed arms.

"What?"

Lol, got this idea from one of my Xena obsessed friends. The original song was called 'Joxer the Mighty" and I changed most of the words to it. . . REVIEW!


	23. Russel, Fletcher, and a Corndog MUAHAHA!

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Because I don't. So don't sue.

**Chapter 23**

**Russel, Fletcher, and a Corndog**

**MUAHAHA!**

"Nii-San," Fletcher whined as he and his older brother Russel, wandered through Central City. "I'm hungry. . ." and that constant grumbling in his stomach proved it.

"I am too, Fletcher, but I don't have much money. . ." the older Tringham said. Fletcher clutched Russel's sleeve.

"We haven't eaten for four whole days!" he cried in an icy cold breath.

"I know. . ."

Then they smelled something. Something that was too hard to resist.

"Corndogs?" the brothers said in unison. Right before them was a corndog stand. No one with it. And a corndog was laying out. The Tringham brothers twitched.

&&&&&&&&&&

A few minutes later, they were in an alleyway, with a corndog on a paper plate. It was obvious they stole it. Both Fletcher's and Russel's stomachs growled.

"Y-you can have it Fletcher. . . I can survive another day. . ." The eldest said.

"N-no you, Nii-San, you have a bigger stomach than me. . ." the youngest said. There was a tad bit of silence, and they both dove for the corndog.

"MINE!" they both yelled. The brothers fought, ignoring the people who were watching this who were passing by. A familiar Fullmetal boy who passed by burst out laughing, and went wherever he was headed to.

Russel and Fletcher continued to fight over the harmless corndog, yelling curses and language that only the Devil would have taught them. Either him or the Homunculi.

Speaking of Homunculi, The Seven Sins decided it was a good day to play a game of Strip Poker, but that's besides the fact, isn't it?

Anywho, the fight between the Tringham brothers ended, when Roy walked into the alleyway, took the corndog, ate it in one bite, threw the stick away, and walked out. Russel and Fletcher glared, and lunged at the poor alchemist like rabid bulldogs.

Oh, good grief. I'm losing my humor, aren't I? I think the only funny one in this chapter is when Roy takes the corndog. . . Anywho, Review! I'm also looking for new ideas, so don't worry to tell me one if you have one!


	24. Hagane no Neko OMAKE

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Because I don't. So don't sue.

**Chapter 24**

**Hagane no Neko**

**OMAKE**

**An idiotic summary of the story so far because I'm brain dead**

_Boom!_

"Ack!"

"Ed. . .is that you?"

"Of course I'm me! Who else do you think I am?"

"I WUV FWUFFY STUFF!"

"ACK! LEGGO LEGGO LEGGO!"

"Ed. . .I love you."

"Huh?"

"AHAHAHA! YOU FELL FOR IT! YOU WERE ALL 'Oh! Mustang! I never knew!' BUT YOU FELL FOR IT!" XD

"I now know why my brother likes you so much."

"What?"

"Rei! What are you doing?"

"I WUV FWUFFY STUFF!"

"Pancakes. Mmm."

"The dude who turned you into a chimera jumped off a building and DIED."

"Wowzas."

"If you don't go after him sometime he may be kidnapped and forced to do slavery."

"You wouldn't DARE. . ."

"Try me, Brother. MUAHAHAHAHA!"

"I hope that's just your mood swings kicking in. -sigh-"

_Yeah. I REALLY need you guys to review and give me an idea to write about! I'm brain dead here!_


	25. Ed's Dream

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Because I don't. So don't sue.

**To Jazze Al-Bhed-Girl**: lol, that Power Rangers Idea may not be such a bad idea...

**To PhantomAlchemist**: I had to change the title, because an idea popped into my head right after I read your idea, so it's really happening in Ed's dream, but it doesn't talk about it much...

**Chapter 25**

**Ed's Dream: THE DAY I WAS TALL!**

Roy looked over a random file on his desk, pretending to read it so he wouldn't get bullet holes from Lt. Hawkeye. He sighed, and looked out the window. Where was Edward when he needed to be entertained? He wanted to tease someone right now.

Suddenly, the door blew open, and in walked Edo-kun, with his eyes closed, and a large bubble coming out of his nose. The whole office blinked. They could hear the young alchemist snoring.

"Hey, Fullmetal, are you sleepwalking?" Roy asked with a bit of humor in his voice. This could be it! He would finally be able to put make-up and crap on Edward! Like he had always wished!

All Ed did was snore loudly in response. Then they heard him.

"Ha-ha! I finally get my revenge, Colonel Bastard!" the teen yelled. The officers looked at him.

"What on earth is he talking about?" Hughes asked.

"I created this new device that can let people see into other people's dreams!" Fury said proudly, in his cute manner. He pushed a button on a remote, and a large screen appeared. There was a lot of static, but then an image showed Ed seven feet tall. He had his foot on the back of a three foot tall Roy, who lay face flat on the ground.

Then a bunch of beautiful women (including Hawkeye) appeared out of no where to congratulate Ed.

"Yay! You defeated the demon!"

"I love you, Edo-Kun!"

"Finally! I'm free!" Roy twitched as the dream Hawkeye said that, and looked over to the real one, who stood in shock with her mouth hanging open.

As several other dream officers asked the seven foot tall Ed for his autograph, Roy had had enough. He held up his gloved hand with his left eye twitching, and snapped his fingers.

Ed woke up screaming as his coat caught on fire, and he ran around the room. Havoc walked in with a bucket of water, and poured it on the teen, who took a deep breath.

"Wh-what was that for!.?" Ed screamed.

"That's what you get for dreaming about me," Roy let out that evil laugh of his, and continued reading.

Lol. Review, and I'll update. Ideas still welcome!


	26. Alchemist Rangers

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Because I don't. Nor do I own Power Rangers or Jazze Al-Bhed Girl. I also don't own Godzilla. I do own me, and Rei from Hagane no Neko, even though he doesn't appear in this fic. Or does he? Nah.

**Note:** The last time I saw Power Rangers was when I was five in the Philippines, so I vaguely remember it all. The other time was two months ago with a dubbed Power Rangers with the Japanese people. . . I think. Or was it subbed? Anywho, the other thing closest to Power Rangers that I can muster up is Masked Rider. . . That ferby thing (forgot it's name) scares me a lot.

**Chapter 26**

**Alchemist Rangers!**

"Go! Alchemist Rangers!" Edward yelled with a fist raised up in the air, and his other hand holding a manga.

"Nii-San, you shouldn't really spend your money on magazines and comic books. . ." Al sweat dropped as his brother struck several poses. Then he earned a glare.

"This isn't just any COMIC BOOK, Al," the older brother said with golden stars in his eyes. "It's Alchemist Rangers!" he barged into the office. "GO ALCHEMIST RANGERS!"

"Settle down, Fullmetal," Roy growled, looking up from his newspaper.

"Oh my flippin' gosh!" Reina popped out of no where, sitting on Roy's shoulders, who had no idea she was even there.

"Is that the latest volume of Alchemist Rangers!.?" she blinked.

"Yep!"

"GIMME!" suddenly, Jazze pounced on the poor alchemist, grabbing for the manga.

"NO! LEGGO MY EGGO!" Ed screamed at the top of his lungs.

Suddenly, a chain reaction caused the galaxy to explode. The end.

JUST JOKING!

A chain reaction caused everyone to morph into the suits of ALCHEMIST RANGERS!

Heh, call it pure obsession.

"Wow!" Ed yelled, looking over his suit (you can think it up. They can be wearing anything, from chicken suits, to swim suits, or just nothing at all -drools over Roy XD-)

"I'm an Alchemist Ranger!" Ed, Jazze, and Reina yelled.

"No, I am!"

"I am!"

"I AM!"

Then a fight ensued.

"Alchemist Rangers, huh?" Roy continued to read his paper. The fight flew over to Havoc, who ended up getting all his cigarettes trampled, beaten, and violated.

Then Fury gasped.

"There's a monster attacking Taco Bell!" he screamed.

"Fury, remember the 13th warehouse case last time? It could just be a sha- sha- sha-" Roy glanced up at Taco Bell, that was being attacked by Godzilla.

"ATTACK!" Jazze yelled, attacking the place itself, rather than the monster. Taco Bell exploded. Everyone found themselves in their normal clothing, and Godzilla waved good-bye to the people, and walked into the sea.

"Godzilla is so cool," Fury cried.

"My cigarettes." Havoc said.

"Sha- sha- sha- sha-" Roy stuttered.

"Wheeee!" Reina squealed, still riding on Roy's shoulders.

"YAY!" Jazze cheered.

"ALCHEMIST RANGERS!" Ed screamed.

"Woof!" Black Hayate Barked.

_Whoa. That was unexpected. I think. I just typed whatever came to mind XD Besides the transforming and Taco Bell. . . Review! _


	27. NotSo Pirates and an Insane Military

Alchemy, Officers, and Contests

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Because I don't. I also don't own One Piece. (Go, Sanji!) I do wish I owned Luffy's laugh. It's so cool! XD

**Chapter 27**

**Not-So Pirates and an Insane Military, Oh Joy!**

Roy, his officers, Ed, and Al decided it was a good time to go on a vacation, on a pleasure cruise.

So, there they were. Ed kept getting so gosh darned sea sick he had to lean over the railing to puke since all the toilets were clogged. How much noodles has he been eating?

Anywho, while leaning over the railing getting his business taken care of, Ed saw a ship on a far away distance, with a flag that had a skull, two crossing bones behind it, and a. . . straw hat?

The teen suddenly say a hand stretch out at him, and grab the railing. Ed squeaked, and landed on his behind, completely forgetting about throwing up.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" yelled someone who owned the hand, and the person landed onto the deck. He had black hair, like Roy's, but had a scar under his left eye, a grin the size of Antarctica, a straw hat, a red shirt, and blue shorts. (c'mon, people! I don't like doing descriptions!) The ship that Ed had seen had, miraculously, come closer already, and four other people walked off of it. (-deep breath- I'm just gonna do my best here, okay?) One was a girl with reddish/orange hair, another guy was a blond with a cigarette and a suit, another had back hair and a long nose, and the other had green hair, a sash, and three swords (Hah! That ends that! XD).

"Ho ho hooooyyyy!" the one with the straw hat laughed. He looked down at the shocked Edward. "say, is this the pleasure cruise I've heard about? The one with the military?" Ed nodded.

"Pleased to meet ya! I'm Monkey D. Luffy! Soon-to-be King of the pirates! These are my mates: Zolo (or Zoro. . .), Nami, Usopp, and Sanji!"

"P-p-pleases to meet you. . .I'm Edward El-Elric. . ." Ed stuttered. He remembered he was supposed to be puking into the sea, so he jumped up and onto the railing, throwing up what was left of his breakfast.

"Are you all right, Edward?" Riza asked, walking up. The blond man, Sanji, suddenly had hearts for eyes.

"**O sea, how grateful I am for this day of days! O love, smile upon me, for I cannot survive this pain! I would stoop to becoming a pirate, or even a devil, if only I could be with you. Such tragedy! The obstacles between us are great!.!.!**"

"You're already a pirate, Sanji," Luffy blinked, but Sanji was too busy reaching out to hug the shocked (yet romantic) Lieutenant. But then, Roy appeared with his gloves.

"You're right. The obstacles between you two are great." he said, and snapped his fingers, frying the poor cook.

"Well, we've overcome our stay here!" Luffy grinned. "We only came just so that Reina here would have something good to write about! Even though it wasn't so funny. . . Any how, good-bye! Ho ho hoooooyyyyy!" he laughed before jumping back onto the ship.

Everyone said good-bye and left.

"That was. . .weir-BHMF!" Ed puked.

_AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT WAS HILARIOUS! Lol, I was being sarcastic. XD And that love thing that Sanji said to Riza, he actually said to Nami, for those of you who don't know, XD. Review!_


	28. Commercials

Alchemy, Officers, and Contests

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Because I don't.

I also don't own any commercial mentioned in this chapter.

**Chapter 28**

**Commercials**

**(So pointless, it's scary)**

**Commercial 1: (Geico)**

Roy looked out onto the distance, in front of his friend's grave.

"It. . . Looks like it's going to rain today. . ." he said. Riza looked at him sadly.

"Yes, Sir. It does."

"But I do have good news!" Roy said, with a big smile.

"You'll be okay?" the woman raised an eyebrow.

"That too! But, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"

**Commercial 2: (Master Card)**

Ed's shown with automail- An automail arm and leg: $142

Riza's shown with pistols- A sharpshooter for hire: $73

Roy's shown with gloves- Pyrotex gloves: $56

Winry's shown beating up people with her wrench- The ability to smack someone with just a tool: Priceless.

**Commercial 3: (Master Card)**

Exercising equipment to get buff: $ 253

Giving an automail leg to a dog: $ 47

Classes for training: $32 an hour

The look on your friend's face when you get a limb chopped off: Priceless.

**Commercial 4: (M&M's)**

Riza pops out of no where- -then a confused Roy dressed in red-

Riza: Red; you go to my head!

then Roy disappears and Fury pops up-

Riza: Yellow! You sweat little fellow! -pinches Fury's cheeks, who blushes- -then Envy appears-

Riza: Green; you're such the Sinful thing! -Al appears-

Riza: Blue; I'm WILD about you. -Havoc pops up-

Orange; -pause- sorry, Lieutenant, nothing rhymes with orange.

Havoc: I still get my cigs, right?

Riza: Chocolate is better in color!

Roy: Hey! What do you mean by. . . Fullmetal! Stop that! My leg! ARG! It's being eaten!

_.Well! That was odd! Lost humor again! And that M&M's one I just came up with was just. . . But I HAD to do this chapter, so live with it! XD Review!_


	29. Central

Alchemy, Officers, and Contests

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Because I don't. I also don't own the One Piece theme song. . . Sadly. . .

**Chapter 29**

**Central (as in One Piece XD)**

Yo!  
Ya-yo, yaa-yo  
Dreamin'!  
Don't give it up, Mustang!  
Dreamin'!  
Don't give it up, Elric!  
Dreamin'!  
Don't give it up, Hawkeye!  
Dreamin'!  
Don't gi-give it up!  
give it up! give it up! give it up! give it up! give it up! No!

Here's how the sto-ry goes, we find out,  
'bout a Fuhrer in the State Line, that's no doubt,  
The soldiers who eyes' on him, he'll sing, 'I'll be King of the Country, I'm gunna be King!'

Ya-yo, ya-yo, ya-yooo, ho-ho  
His name is Mustang  
that's Colonel Roy Mustang  
KING OF MINISKIRTS  
He's not the Fuhrer!  
How did that happen!

Yo ho ho, he's in love with miniskirts!

Ya-yo, yaa-yo  
His name's Elric, he's just like a shorty-pie,  
and a L-A-D-Y, Hawkeyes's not shy,  
the soldier crew, comin' through, doin' their thing  
with King of Miniskirts, he's gunna be King!

Ya-yo, ya-yo, ya-yooo, ho-ho  
Set sail for Central,

it's the name of the treasure in the STATE LINE  
Ya-yo, ya-yo  
Set sail for Central!

_O.O OH GAWD! THAT WAS HORRIBLE! At least it was better than my last try. . It sucked. Lol, review!_

_Sanji: Yes, review._

_Roy: Hey, you're not supposed to be here! I fried you!_

_Sanji: I'm an anime character. Anime character's don't die._

_Roy: Hm, you got a point there. . . -turns around and writes in diar- erm, journal- . . . The plan to kill the Fuhrer to become the Fuhrer shall be cancelled. It will be a failure anyway. . ._


	30. The End

**Alchemy, Officers, and Contests**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Or anything else mentioned in this fic that involves something copyrighted or owned by someone else.

**Note:** Agh…been forever since I've updated this… like… yeah…I've been going on a Naruto spree… then KH/KH2 spree… then back to Naruto… then Ouran High School Host Club… then Howl's Moving Castle… and now… it's Harry Potter. WHEN WILL IT END?

Oh, and this might be the last chapter for this… fic… thing…. Yeah. So… unless I feel like updating it ever again, the fic will be completed XD So yeah. That's it.

Oh, and there is no character death in this one. Just so you know XD

**Chapter 30**

**The End?**

The officers stumbled into the office where Roy Mustang slammed a book onto his desk, edging it towards Edward. The blond teen blinked, and took it.

"_Harry Potter… and the Philosopher's Stone_…?" the teen read, and looked up at the colonel.

"Apparently there are two versions of it, the original being the one you hold in your hands, the other being called the 'Sorcerer's Stone'." Roy explained. "I've read some of it, though they did not mention any type of stone so far…"

"Sir, if I may…" Riza stepped up, and the colonel nodded. "that book… it's just a novel…"

"_Just_ a novel?" Havoc grabbed the book and started to caress it. "it's not _just_ a novel!"

The whole room stared.

"J.K. Rowling is GOD-" he paused. "-DESS."

The whole room still stared.

"Havoc…" said the colonel. "…you've… read the books?"

"All six that are out now, Sir!" the blond officer flipped through the book and came across a page… "you ripped it."

"Excuse me?" Havoc showed Roy the page that was only a little bit ripped near the side.

"You _ripped_ it."

"So?"

"So? _SO_? IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?" Havoc screamed. The room shook. "YOU RIPPED IT! GUILTY! GUIIILTY!"

Before long an alarm went off and everyone in the building started screaming,

"YOU RIPPED HARRY POTTER!" Havoc continued screaming.

"Everyone! Evacuate the building!" Roy ordered. And so they did. Except for Havoc who started running around in circles, screaming his lungs out.

All the Jean Havoc fan girls raced into the building. Just because they were Jean Havoc fan girls, and they could.

And the building collapsed. And that was the end. Or was it?

Everyone went on with their lives, since they were too lazy to go to the other headquarters that were still up.

Riza became a flower shop owner.

Roy became a male stripper.

Edward and Alphonse decided to give up on looking for the Philosopher's Stone and try out for the Fullmetal Alchemist movie… and got the parts.

And Havoc? Well… he didn't die. Apparently his fan girls jumped on him in time before the building collapsed, not knowing that they really had saved his life (they were rabid). So now Jean Havoc roams the streets as a hobo, killing anyone who mistreats any type of item that has to do with Harry Potter.

Like, just the other day--

Never mind.

So yeah. Everyone ended up having happy endings… kind of.

Who knows? Maybe one day, they'll see each other once again…

_Insert strange and awkward music here…_

**Owari?**

**A/N** -stares at chapter- Ohmigawd. Like all the other chapters of this fic… this one had no point whatsoever… XD But I find it hard to believe that I got up to 30 chapters in the first place. I can't remember any of them XD (cept for the noodles one… and the one where Riza bakes a pie… or cake… and then the Power Rangers one… and the icky One Piece one… yeah…) -sigh- Anywho, yeah. This is the end. Ta-ta!

Please review!


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